i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i will never coherently bang her
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have aggressive nipples.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
