dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
