And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
