no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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