he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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