I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
