I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
