I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
