So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
