my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
