like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize