I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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