Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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