Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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