Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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