i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
