if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
do herpes really smell.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
