I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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