The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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