I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
