No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
