ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
