Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She's the barista slut.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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