true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
