Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
