He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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