White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
