i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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