Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Acid is not a monday night drug
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
