she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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