Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
