whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
