I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
