I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
