I think I won the penis lottery.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
