Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
