Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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