I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
