My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize