got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
