my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he puts the penis in happiness.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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