If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He felt like a one man threesome
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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