found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
