I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
