It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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