I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
