She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
