I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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