he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
