Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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