It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
