I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
