you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
