Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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